Everything old is new again. Everything done is redone. Everything thrown into the dustbin comes back as a collectible. Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark after many false starts, miss-steps and hiccups is set to open on Broadway in previews on November 12, 2010 at The Foxwoods Theatre (formerly the Hilton Theatre). Directed by Julie Taymor (The Lion King musical, Across The Universe), book by Taymor and Glen Berger, music by Bono and The Edge and featuring visual effects from Cirque du Soleil, how can this possibly go wrong?
It’s easy. This production has been plagued by rumor, actor tantrums and every conceivable technical glitch known to live stage. Starring, at this moment, Reeve Carney (Spidey), Jennifer Damiano (MJP) and Patrick Page (GG)… and the rest of the cast has not even been announced. What should be noted is that Alan Cumming and Evan Rachel Wood have withdrawn from the cast due to “scheduling conflicts”. Let’s not hold our collective breath on this one. Much as I adore Taymor’s work, this is just not something that’s going to interest me at all.
This is Dome sayin’: Spidey deserves better…or maybe not. Has anyone thought of adding some sparkly vampires?
No no no no no!!!!! I’m sorry, but this is just awful. First of all, U2 soundtrack. U2 is what jocks listen to when they want to look all socially conscious but would rather listen to a band that has a guitar player named “The Edge” instead of Paul Simon, who looks like the guys they beat up for not recognizing how awesome “The Edge” is. Spider-Man has about as much in common with U2 as Bill Clinton has in common with Billy Beer (if you got that reference, congratulations. It means you actually saw Star Wars in a theatre before anyone wore a Nine Inch Nails shirt or memorized all the goddamn lines).
Next, Julie Taymor. This has been the #1 defense of this broadway monstrosity. Now, I admit that I loved The Lion King as much as the next guy — I was blown away and cried my eyes out at the sheer majesty of it all. Hell, one of my friends was actually created by her dad. No, not like that, you perv — her dad pioneered test tube baby technology and my buddy is around to borrow my Prisoner DVDs for 2 years at a time as a result. But I digress… Anyway, Julie Taymor also did “Titus”. For those of you who don’t watch IFC, “Titus” is a piss-poor version of “Last House On The Left” — chick gets raped and mutilated, and family goes after the assailants. However, this piece of Z-movie drek was written by WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, so untold generations have revered this piece of crap as pure gold. Well, it’s not. And I’m sorry, but directing a bad Shakespeare play does not make you a good director. It means that you have a poor choice in source material. Julie, I’m really impressed with the job you did directing a Disney cartoon featuring Elton John and Blackadder, but stay the hell away from Spider-Man. Why? BECAUSE IT’S SPIDER-MAN, GODDAMNIT!!! IT’S NOT SOMETHING I WANT TO WATCH YOU DESTROY FOR TWO GODDAMN HOURS!!! I already suffered that kind of heartbreak with “Superman Returns”, and God knows I don’t need to see Spider-Man sing about how Aunt May needs an operation and how Mary Jane just doesn’t understand his need to put on a full body-stocking in public. I leave the web-fluid to your tawdry imagination.
~points up and snickers~